To Medicate or not to Medicate, that is the question

It has been such a roller coaster ride these past couple months. We had decided, after school personnel and in-home therapists commented on Noah's lack of attention, that we would try some medication typically administered to children with attention deficit disorder. But the Adderall we tried appeared to coincide with this aggression we had not seen before. Noah began hitting his head, stomping his feet, and yelling "No!" at us every time we placed a simple demand. These behaviors stopped when I decided, on my own, to discontinue the Adderall.

Then we went to see a pediatric psychiatrist to discuss other options. She gave great advice on vitamins, diet, etc. She also prescribed a new medication, typically given to children with attention deficit disorder. This one is called Vyvance and we were told it would not have the same side effect as the Adderall. Today marks one week that we have tried this medication, and I had to call the psychiatrist's office today to say we need to stop this one as well. Noah tantrumed for over 2 hours today. No one could comfort him. I have not seen him in this state before, and I hope to God I never will again. He hit his head repeatedly; so hard that he started to cry and say, "ouch". With tears in his eyes, Noah slammed everything within reach. He hit me, he hit a therapist. I truly believe he did not want to behave this way, but did not know what to do to stop.

I am actually hoping that the behavior we saw today is a side effect of the medication. That way, if I stop the medication, then the behavior will stop.

Finding the right balance between behavioral therapy and medicinal therapy is so exhausting. It is a very unsteady process, like walking a tight rope. And just when you think you have it figured out, the balance shifts.

Recovery

Many of the books I have read about autism are written by mothers of autistic children. I enjoy these books because I can empathize with these women; I feel their pain when they first hear the word "Autism", and I feel their unparalleled joy the first time their child says, "I love you." However, I am finding that the majority of these books describe the child as having "recovered" from autism. I have never believed that there was a cure for autism, and I had not heard until I read these books that anyone could be "recovered." Sometimes I have hope, dreams if you will, that this could be true. My Noah could possibly recover from autism. My Noah could behave just like a neurologically "normal" child. Could it be true?

I just have not seen any signs that he will recover. He has made progress over the last couple years, but nothing that would indicate in any way that he could recover. The progress has been slow and steady, but the academic, language, and social gap between him and his peers is increasing.

Anger is the feeling I am left with after I think of this "recovery" the books tell about. How dare they bring up my hopes, just to have me feel let down when I consider the facts of my own situation. These books tell of moms who worked nonstop 24/7 with their child. Women who refused to accept that autism would be a life sentence for their child. I am left wondering, "Am I not doing enough?" "Is it my fault that his accomplishments have not compared to these children portrayed in the books?"

Noah, I believe, is a more typical child with autism than the children I read about in the books. I constantly remind myself of that. In the meantime, I will continue to celebrate every new vocabulary word and every small step that takes us closer to our ultimate goal - For Noah to reach his True Potential, whatever it is.

A Place To Go

Sometimes I just need a listening ear. Someone who doesn't try to solve the issues, or change the way things are. They just listen, so I can vent.

This blog is what I hope will be that listening ear. And if I can help just one person in this world to know that they are not alone in what you go through as the Mom of an autistic child, then I will feel I have done good.

That is not to say, I do not like advice. I have read most of what the library in our town, and the surrounding towns have to offer on the subject of Autism. I have read stories of Mom's like me, stories of children like mine (and some NOT like mine!), and reports from the so-called professionals. I have tried the gluten-free, casein-free diet. I have had ABA therapy in our home. We are seeing a new psychiatrist this afternoon because we are willing to try medicine.

I have embraced this Autism that crept into our home shortly after our son turned two years old. I love his smile, his twinkling blue eyes, and his love of all things simple. He has changed our lives in ways I cannot explain. We are blessed.