On Wednesday, April 29th we got the dreaded phone call at 6:15 in the morning. Brian's Dad, Charles Anthony Post, had passed. He had been ill from a lung infection, and was on oxygen. Still, I did not expect him to pass so suddenly. Truly, Charlie had been "ill" from emphysema for years, and still had the energy and motivation of a person twenty years younger. Charlie was a perfect example of a hard-working middle class person who would have given the shirt off his back to help his neighbor. Charlie taught the children how to appreciate the great outdoors through camping, fishing, and hunting. I and Noah adored him.
So how do you tell an autistic child that his grandfather died? Noah does not comprehend abstract concepts. Everything is black/white in his mind. A very concrete thinker. I requested help from school, and they contacted the autism consultant who wrote this:
When People Die
Sometimes people get sick and get better and sometimes people get sick and die. Most of the time people are sad when someone dies because they will not be able to see them anymore. When people die they go to heaven, this is a good thing. When people are in heaven I can't see or talk to them, but I could still look at their picture.
Most of the time when people die the people that are still living have a funeral for the person who died. At the funeral, some people will be sad when they talk about the person who died. This is okay. Some people will be thinking happy thoughts about the person. This is okay too. Sometimes at the funeral you can see part of the body of the person who died. The person who died will not be able to talk to me. If I am upset or sad about this, I can talk to Mom or Dad.
Sometimes people die and people are sad. If I am sad I can talk to Mom or Dad. This is okay to do.
I read this to both children the evening before the day of the funeral. Hannah, who is 7 years old had many questions. Noah did not seem to pay much attention. I told him we would be going to church and we would be saying goodbye to Grandpa. Noah repeated, "We are going to church", and he had a blank expression on his face.
During visitation at church, Noah appeared oblivious to what was happening, but then he slowly walked up to the casket, peered inside, and said, "Look, Mom. It's Grandpa. He's sick." Noah, apparently had heard some of the dialogue I read the evening before. He picked up the familiar work, "sick", but not the word, "die". Then at school a few weeks ago Noah stated to his teachers that he had visited Grandma, but Grandpa was not there. Noah said, "He is at church. He is sick."
Death is a concept even adults have difficulty defining, explaining, or understanding. Children appear to accept it more readily because they do not have the fear that adults exhibit over the subject. Will Noah ever comprehend? Only time will tell.
