A Made For TV Movie

Lately, I feel as if my life is like one of those "made for TV movies." You know the ones on Lifetime that depict really dysfunctional families. The ones that make you feel so blessed that your life is nothing like that.....

Noah has been free of all medications for two full weeks. Brian and I made that decision together after a few months of medicine choices that did not work. We decided it would be beneficial to see what Noah looked like without any medicine. He has been taking psychotropic medicines for two years. Who is Noah without any drugs? Sounded like a good idea at the time.

Our Noah is now slamming, hitting, banging, and slapping. He is injuring himself over and over and over. It is painful to watch, and my heart bleeds. I cry myself to sleep as I listen to my son in the next room bang his head against his bed post until the early hours of morning. He has stopped sleeping. He has stopped wanting hugs. In fact, when I offer to hug him, he literally pushes me away and screams, "Go Away!". Last night he threw himself on the floor, arms and legs and head banging the tile floor, while crying and asking, "What is wrong with Noah?". (He sometimes refers to himself in the third person.) Now his sister is crying, Brian is holding him, and I am crying.

Obviously, we made another poor choice. Something needs to change because we cannot go on like this. Today, we started Noah on a gluten-free diet. We also gave him medicine. All medicine has side effects. We hate the side effects of this medicine, but we hate the effects of no medicine even more. I guess that is what it is all about. Weighing out the effects of meds vs. no meds.

Now we wait. Wait to see if we can eliminate the head banging, slamming, and screaming. Wait to see if we can go back to being a family blessed without distress and tears on a nightly basis. I just want my Noah back.